And Then...

Agnes talks to Kath and Nath, Simon returns, and, finally, they ask Agnes why she can't let them have fun. As she gives her an answer, a series of events (in slow motion, for our production) take place outside the bedroom, exactly proving her point, which is the extremely accurate:

13. College Kids Are Idiots

AGNES
(spoken)
Why not? Why not?
(She throws open the door. Lights up on the rest of the dorm room. We see everyone partying below. Cue music.)
I'll tell you why not!
(sings):
College kids are idiots,
And you are a college kid.
So therefore you're a total idiot.
In every case this rule holds true. 'Cause

College kids are idiots
And tend to destroy themselves
And so I spend my every waking hour
Protecting you from you.*


When you drive golf carts down the stairs
Or you go sledding in your underwear
I'm the one who's waiting there
To scream and yell and stare
And steam and glare and swear
And no one anywhere can
Understand why I should care that**


College kids are idiots. Well,
Unfortunately, you matter.
Because the future belongs to the idiots.
God help us.
Which is why I still try.
The future belongs to the idiots.
God help us.
So we can't have you die.***


(AGNES, KATHARINE, and NATHAN watch from JAY's room, as the students do ridiculous and dangerous things. It's really a mess. After a few moments of watching this, AGNES turns back to KATHARINE and NATHAN. The craziness continues in the room, even more frantically than ever.)
When you eat mothballs on a dare
Or you set fire to your teddy bear
I'm the one who's waiting there
to scream and yell and stare
And steam and glare and swear
And no one anywhere can
Understand why I should care that****

(as the CHORUS ahhs)
College kids are idiots. Well,
Unfortunately, you matter. Because

AGNES & CHORUS
The future belong to the idiots.

AGNES
God help us.
Which is why I still try.

CHORUS
Ah-ah-ahh!

AGNES & CHORUS
The future belongs to the idiots.

AGNES
God help us.
So we can't have you die!

CHORUS
(as AGNES holds on "die")
College kids, college kids,
Idiots, ahh!*****

*They put bubble wrap over Simon's head and started hitting.
**Sword fighting with hockey sticks. Then they smashed heads and both collapsed. The girls downstage-left pointing and laughing are collapsed from wheelbarrowing across the room.
***Keg stand!
****I got lots of laughs running across the stage in a beer box. Plus it was nice and breezy. And if you're wondering, yes, I wore my underwear under the box. Except on Saturday. I still wore my underwear. I just wore them... on... my head. Afterwards, Morgan (Amy) told me she saw a bit of cheek.
*****Funnels, as we all cheer them on. w00t!