The next morning, some shit goes down. Simon says "What the hell?" a lot, Eddie comes in and makes another mark on the wall with a Sharpie, and before long, we go into...
2. Simon Says
EDDIE
I think I'm gonna go to the gym.
SIMON
(speaks)
That's great Eddie.
EDDIE
Yup! I think I'm gonna go to the gym!
SIMON
(speaks)
You said that.
EDDIE
It's so much fun to lift and run
And flex my pecs for everyone
SIMON
(speaks)
My God.
EDDIE
I really really like the gym
I think I'm gonna go to the,
Think I'm gonna go to the,
Think I'm gonna go to the...
SIMON
Eddie!
EDDIE
What?
SIMON
What the hell?
(sings:)
I have a test in a couple of hours.
I need to read so I don't fail.
Why can't it be quiet I don't know.
This could affect my whole career.
I dearly wish you'd disappear.
Let's play Simon Says, and I say go!
(pushes EDDIE out the door, just as Amy frantically enters)
Oh no.
AMY
(caffeinated)
Hey Simon, whatcha doin'?
You look tires, I'm not tired.
Ooh! Mol Bio, that's required
I admire you for trying.
It's too hard for me I think,
It really hardly stinks in here.
My nose is happy. You look crappy.
Man, your eyes are pretty pink!
The floor is muddy, buddy else
I'm just a crazy fuddy duddy
Whuddy you think? Crap! I'm out of Red Bull!
Oh, wait! Here's one!
(drinks)
To Simon's Bio preparation
And his awesome education.
(spoken:)
SIMON
What the hell?
AMY
What what what what?
(sung:)
SIMON
I have a test in a couple of hours
I need to read so I don't fail.
Why can't it be quiet, who can say?
If it's at all within your power
Could you shut up for just one hour?
Simon says get out of here, okay?
(gets AMY out of the room, allowing ROB to get in)
ROB
Come on! Take a break!
SIMON
(spoken)
I can't play Smash Fest right now.
ROB
Come on! Take a break!
SIMON
(spoken)
I have a test in two hours!
ROB
This test's a breeze. It's easy.
Please?! You know you want to, dude.
SIMON
(spoken)
You're in this class!
ROB
Come on! Take a break!
Come on! Take a break!
'Cause let's be real, man, here's the deal, man,
Either way you're screwed.
SIMON
(as ROB sits down to play a video game)
We have a test in a couple of hours.
I need to read so I don't fail.
LINDSAY
(entering, frustrated)
Rob!
SIMON
Why can't it be quiet just one day?
LINDSAY
(spoken)
You were supposed to meet me half an hour ago.
SIMON
I think that I might get a "B"
If you don't stop distracting me.
Simon says you need to go away!
ROB and LINDSAY exit. SARAH enters to SIMON's increasing frustration. Music pauses momentarily.
SARAH
(yelling obnoxiously*, trying to find him)
Will!
WILL
(emerging from his room, sickeningly cute, speaks:)
Hey, Sarah. How was the rest of your night?
SARAH
(equally cute)
It was fine. I missed you.
SIMON
Oh my God.
Music re-enters. WILL walks toward SARAH as they sing to each other.
SARAH
Sweetie.
WILL
Lovey.
BOTH
Sugar pie.
Tee hee, tee hee, tee hee!
Mehnm-ehnm-ehnm-ehnmen!
SARAH
Lovey-buggy!
WILL
Schmoopy eyes!
SIMON
(spoken)
You're making me ill.
BOTH
Tee hee, tee hee, tee hee!
Mehnm-ehnm-ehnm-ehnmen!
SARAH
Sweetheart, schnuckums.
WILL
Dream come true!
SARAH
Poopsie woopsie.
WILL
(they hop together)
Kangaroo!
BOTH
(making kissing noises)
Mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah!
You're so cute!
SIMON
(screaming)
All right! Enough! For the love of God, stop!
(sings)
I have a test in a couple of hours!
I need to read so I don't fail...
SARAH
(spoken)
Let's go to your room, Will. It's loud in here.
They exit. SIMON slowly gathers himself. Just as relief sets in and he resumes his reading, all the doors suddenly burst open; EDDIE, AMY, ROB, LINDSAY, SARAH, WILL, and ADRIENNE** enter, and NATHAN pops up from under the blanket on the couch. They have realized that bothering SIMON is a lot of fun, and intend to capitalize on this. They all sing their verses in counterpoint, and then:
ALL
SIMON SIMON SIMON SIMON
SIMON SIMON SIMON SIMON SIMON!
SIMON
(with a scream that ends all their singing)
WHAT THE HELL!
I think I'm gonna go to the gym.
SIMON
(speaks)
That's great Eddie.
EDDIE
Yup! I think I'm gonna go to the gym!
SIMON
(speaks)
You said that.
EDDIE
It's so much fun to lift and run
And flex my pecs for everyone
SIMON
(speaks)
My God.
EDDIE
I really really like the gym
I think I'm gonna go to the,
Think I'm gonna go to the,
Think I'm gonna go to the...
SIMON
Eddie!
EDDIE
What?
SIMON
What the hell?
(sings:)
I have a test in a couple of hours.
I need to read so I don't fail.
Why can't it be quiet I don't know.
This could affect my whole career.
I dearly wish you'd disappear.
Let's play Simon Says, and I say go!
(pushes EDDIE out the door, just as Amy frantically enters)
Oh no.
AMY
(caffeinated)
Hey Simon, whatcha doin'?
You look tires, I'm not tired.
Ooh! Mol Bio, that's required
I admire you for trying.
It's too hard for me I think,
It really hardly stinks in here.
My nose is happy. You look crappy.
Man, your eyes are pretty pink!
The floor is muddy, buddy else
I'm just a crazy fuddy duddy
Whuddy you think? Crap! I'm out of Red Bull!
Oh, wait! Here's one!
(drinks)
To Simon's Bio preparation
And his awesome education.
(spoken:)
SIMON
What the hell?
AMY
What what what what?
(sung:)
SIMON
I have a test in a couple of hours
I need to read so I don't fail.
Why can't it be quiet, who can say?
If it's at all within your power
Could you shut up for just one hour?
Simon says get out of here, okay?
(gets AMY out of the room, allowing ROB to get in)
ROB
Come on! Take a break!
SIMON
(spoken)
I can't play Smash Fest right now.
ROB
Come on! Take a break!
SIMON
(spoken)
I have a test in two hours!
ROB
This test's a breeze. It's easy.
Please?! You know you want to, dude.
SIMON
(spoken)
You're in this class!
ROB
Come on! Take a break!
Come on! Take a break!
'Cause let's be real, man, here's the deal, man,
Either way you're screwed.
SIMON
(as ROB sits down to play a video game)
We have a test in a couple of hours.
I need to read so I don't fail.
LINDSAY
(entering, frustrated)
Rob!
SIMON
Why can't it be quiet just one day?
LINDSAY
(spoken)
You were supposed to meet me half an hour ago.
SIMON
I think that I might get a "B"
If you don't stop distracting me.
Simon says you need to go away!
ROB and LINDSAY exit. SARAH enters to SIMON's increasing frustration. Music pauses momentarily.
SARAH
(yelling obnoxiously*, trying to find him)
Will!
WILL
(emerging from his room, sickeningly cute, speaks:)
Hey, Sarah. How was the rest of your night?
SARAH
(equally cute)
It was fine. I missed you.
SIMON
Oh my God.
Music re-enters. WILL walks toward SARAH as they sing to each other.
SARAH
Sweetie.
WILL
Lovey.
BOTH
Sugar pie.
Tee hee, tee hee, tee hee!
Mehnm-ehnm-ehnm-ehnmen!
SARAH
Lovey-buggy!
WILL
Schmoopy eyes!
SIMON
(spoken)
You're making me ill.
BOTH
Tee hee, tee hee, tee hee!
Mehnm-ehnm-ehnm-ehnmen!
SARAH
Sweetheart, schnuckums.
WILL
Dream come true!
SARAH
Poopsie woopsie.
WILL
(they hop together)
Kangaroo!
BOTH
(making kissing noises)
Mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah!
You're so cute!
SIMON
(screaming)
All right! Enough! For the love of God, stop!
(sings)
I have a test in a couple of hours!
I need to read so I don't fail...
SARAH
(spoken)
Let's go to your room, Will. It's loud in here.
They exit. SIMON slowly gathers himself. Just as relief sets in and he resumes his reading, all the doors suddenly burst open; EDDIE, AMY, ROB, LINDSAY, SARAH, WILL, and ADRIENNE** enter, and NATHAN pops up from under the blanket on the couch. They have realized that bothering SIMON is a lot of fun, and intend to capitalize on this. They all sing their verses in counterpoint, and then:
ALL
SIMON SIMON SIMON SIMON
SIMON SIMON SIMON SIMON SIMON!
SIMON
(with a scream that ends all their singing)
WHAT THE HELL!
*Our Sarah was adorable, not obnoxious.
**Adrienne doesn't actually sing, but she is in the next scene.
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